hmm

today was a trying day.  i felt sad, alone, frustrated, you name it.  i eval'd someone and got stumped.  when that happens on top of a day when i'm just not feeling optimistic, i start to spiral to a bit of catastrophic thinking.  i wanted to go home, put on my pj pants, curl up on the couch, call guy to tell him i miss him, and daydream about going on an adventure.  then i would feel better.  but instead, i glanced at the clock far too many times and ate way too many chocolate kisses in hopes that that would make the time go by faster.  it didn't work.  however, it did give me a nice nasty stale sugar taste in my mouth.  i really need to cut back on those things.  when i got home, i heated up some leftovers, had the nightly cup of frozen yogurt, and headed to my room at the ripe hour of 8:15.  wow.  and about calling guy?  definitely can't do that.  he is furious with me, of which i can totally understand.  i get mad at myself plenty of times.  i'm trying to think of something i can do every time i think about calling him so i will be too distracted to do so.  my first thought was push-ups.  and then i figured well hell, i could do push-ups and abs.  i'm feeling far too lazy to do either of those at the present being so i'll put that on my list of things to do for future meandering thoughts.

thanksgiving

i just got sucked through the time warp of thanksgiving and finally landed back in my va beach bed.  my grandparents were visiting for the holiday so my days consisted of sleeping, eating (a ton), running, and spending time with the family.  my nights consisted of drinking.  that's odd to me because i don't really drink that much.  maybe it was the thrill of seeing old friends or just knowing that i was on a mini-vacation and i needed to celebrate as such.  it was great to see everyone.  i learned a lot about people and in turn, myself.  one of my major conclusions from numerous conversations and my own thinking is that i was very selfish in my own relationship.  and i thought, if i truly cared about someone, i would want them to be heading in a direction that is best for them.  well as long as i was unsure about my feelings, i was not going to be that best direction.  if someone is willing to put in the time and effort to make things work then they deserve someone who will return the same gestures without question.  if i know i am not right for someone, i am not doing them a favor by staying with them.  yes, i love spending time with them so i enjoy when we do and that's what i mean; i'm being selfish.  there is someone else who is better for him.  i don't know who, but i know they exist.  i need to let that connection happen.  i am going to stop being selfish.  i know this is the right thing to do.

good results

I ran the race of my life yesterday.  It was the McDonald's half marathon in Richmond.  I ran a PR by 7 minutes, coming in at a time of 1:29.  I couldn't believe it!  It felt so good.  I think working on my breathing has really helped in addition to running against this ridiculous wind down at the beach.  This time qualifies me for the NYC marathon.  I alllmost registered for it today but Guy advised otherwise.  I'm running Boston in April so I suppose that is a quick turn around for another marathon.  Maybe I'll do it some other year.  Mom, dad, and John ran the 8k that started 30 minutes before I started my race.  They did really well!  I'm really proud of them and Joe for becoming more and more active.

This week marks the half-way mark of 1 out of 3 clinicals.  I am so pumped.  This clinical has been pretty enjoyable because I am learning about PRI for the first time and I find it extremely interesting; something that I will most definitely use when I'm a therapist.  I'm starting to actually believe that I'm going to be an effective clinician, which is nice.  Things always go smoother when I stop resisting myself.  It sounds strange, but I do it often.  Why?  Because I don't have the confidence and I just don't believe in my capabilities.  It's a terrible habit.  But like with running, the more I practice, the more I understand.  Once I understand, I can take off flying.  

I have picked up the book 'A Walk in the Woods' and I am starting to grow the itch for hiking the AT.  A week or so ago, I met a patient who has actually hiked the whole thing and I thought, well this isn't just coincidence.  I am going to do it!  But 5-6 months is a terribly long time and there are far too many other things I want to do as well.  So I'll settle for a part of the trail.  I could be satisfied for maybe covering a state or two.  There are still plans to bike across the country and backpack around Europe so I have to be selective with how long I can spend doing each.  The reality is after graduation in May, I will take the boards.  After the boards, it will be job hunting time.  But in my world, it's time for adventures!  I don't know how long I could get away with playing that card.  I have been really good about saving my money so it is possible!  When the job starts, my life ends.  At least that's what I've been forewarned.  Ugh I hate growing up.

it's getting chilly

i joined a local gym last night and decided to give it a shot this morning.  aside from realizing exactly how much my upper body strength has regressed since that last time i focused on it (last summer), i got a real kick out of the place.  all the members seem to know each other.  everyone was greeting one another or catching up from the last time they met.  no one was exercising with headphones.  all the workers resembled one another and they even let their family dogs wander the gym area, sniffing out different people and even climbing onto some if they happened to be on the floor stretching.  it was very odd.  i got a little carried away there because i wanted to stay for at least 30 mins. but i knew i had no business working my arms for that long.  i felt like an oddball since i didn't know a soul.  i wonder if it was obvious.  afterwards i went home, showered, and headed to my clinical.  during our long lunch break, i decided to try some hill repeats at mt. trashmore.  holy crap, that is not the type of hill i should be doing.  that sucker was short and steep.  i managed to crank out 12 repeats but that still didn't fill up enough time of hard running as i wanted to accomplish.  with the beach being as flat as a pancake, that's the only hill i've found thus far.  so now i lie in my bed feeling like i have had my ass handed to me.  everything is sore.  this calls for a yoga class.  getting off at 7 on most days definitely puts a damper on things.  

oh and last night!  i had a dream that one of my friends from richmond, jimmy, died and i woke up in the middle of the night crying and all.  even this morning and much throughout the day, i just had this heavy feeling of grief.  i had to reassure myself that it didn't really happen, but it still blew my mind that a dream could have so much impact on my state.  the dream felt so real that my emotions, which are actually real, reacted as such.  so how does that work?